But If You Try Sometime

I finally gave in to the heat, meaning  I passed out, after running in little hamster circles all week. It happened at 7 last night, when I suddenly had that feeling you get when you’re about to faint. “Just let me lie down,” is all you can think, which I well know as one who's been fainting since 2nd grade, especially in church. I used to think I was the next child saint, blessed with religious ecstasies.The heat's what did it this time -  that and the fact that ten days  ago my One-and-Only declared summer over and took our one air conditioner out of the bedroom window. Since it's so big - our window are super-wide - it weighs as much as a small car and so he's reluctant to put it back in.Thus have I been enduring long sleepless nights with the bottom sheet a pad of clay and the top sheet a moist damp snake. (The temps don't seem to affect him; champion snorers can't be kept from sleep since snoring is their chief hobby.)For four nights I lay there, my eyes drilled into the ceiling, until last night when for some reason the Sleep Angel descended and took me in her arms. I fell into the bed with its freshly laundered sheets, and with the two window fans blasting and a tiny personal fan inches from my nose, slept like the dead for 11 straight hours.

So I guess it’s like Mick Jagger said in the great old Stones song: You really can’t always get what you want.... but if you try  sometimes (pum) you just might find (pum, pum) you get what you need.

And now Mick himself as a  boy 19 tellin' it to us himself via YouTube:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxkdmL3iMCY]

Floodsville

Not a whole lot goin’ on at the old town Post office today. I stood on its steps to take this picture. The floods here are epic yet still some poor dunce tried to drive up to the drop box with his fistful of letters.  The cop was none too nice. “What part of the orange cone signal don’t you understand sir?”Inside the P.O. though, it was business as usual, at least for the two or three customers who had hiked and waded and hopped the rivulets to get there “32 inches of water in the basement!” crowed my pal at the window, cheerful as ever – "We have to close when it gets to 36!" I asked if she could break a $100 l for me and her eyes lit up. “Guess what? we got a counterfeit twenty yesterday, want to see it!?” She went and got it and gave me a quick tutorial as to how you can tell (no watermark, no ghost of a dead president when you hold it  to to the light, the wrong color squiggle over on the left.... plus it just feels wrong;. She let me feel it and sure enough: pure paper. No rag content at all. My pal wasn’t at work yesterday else she might have laid hands on the one who passed it, maybe pressed some sort of invisible button that would call in the Feds.Looks like we’re gonna NEED the Feds around here and because this water just keeps on rising. And unlike the fake 20 here it's the sure-enough, Old Testament, God-must-be-really-mad thing. Nice Try Department but it's as fake as they get!

Must Liquidate

Hell of a week, starting when someone just out of oral surgery reached into his mouth and handed me a virtual blood sponge of bright-red gauze and ending when my poor cat Abe’s tidy bottom, so nicely sealed under ordinary circumstances, experienced a horrible change such that every room in my house was graced with small ‘deposits.’ Every room, plus an upholstered wing chair, a damask settee and the comforter in my very bedroom. IN MY BEDROOM WHERE MY WIFE SLEEPS!  WHERE MY CHILDREN COME AND PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS! (ha ha, no that’s Al Pacino in Godfather II.)In a word Abe had ‘anal leakage,’ a phrase that makes me smile in spite of all the scrubbing I’ve done because it reminds me of Lay’s 1998 launch of the ill-fated Wow! Potato Chips.  “Now! Made with Olestra!” the large writing on the front of the bag said, Olestra being a magic substance that does sort of taste like the yummy animal fat we’re hard-wired to love but does not actually stay in the body if you get my drift. The part I loved best about Wow! was the frank label on the side that said “Can Cause Anal Leakage" - which is just what it did and all those ravenous Americans who could never in a million years eat just one serving of anything were suddenly ‘caught short,’ as they used to say, keeping more than the customary 18-inches of space around themselves and declining all invitations to undress in front of an audience.Poor Abe,it seems is prone to constipation. Out of the blue there was this wild but unproductive straining, then a nasty loss-of-appetite-plus-throwing up combo, then the sudden trip to the vet's for not one but two enemas followed by a scene very much like the one where Billy Crystal delivers the baby horse in City Slickers. When they were done with all these ministrations those good souls gave him a bath (don’t ask) and offered to keep him for several hours more in case there was additional ‘drainage’ - and as I have said  there was drainage all right; hence my new role as royal mopper-upper.But enough on this queasy topic! Parting advice: get plenty of roughage. Parting ad: Two Fine Pieces of Upholstered Furniture for Sale - Best Offer - Must Liquidate.

Chow DOWN!

Our English friend Malcolm is a dry fellow, which is one reason we like him so much. His wife  Penny turned from her gardening in late June to see a big momma bear standings some 30 feet away. Here below is a note Malcolm posted, some of which is from a website about bear attacks. He has it on the fridge of their summer cottage where we ate last night and since our summer cottage is just a couple of coves away, I  can tell that it sure put a renewed fear of sleepwalking into THIS little camper!"Black Bears: for the first time in ten years, we’ve seen black bears on our property (as of June 2009).  Multiple sightings of one family, with two cubs, in our driveway, between the house and the tennis court, in the woods, up the street, etc.  So be alert if you’re outside.  You don’t want to find yourself close to the cubs, or come across the bears unexpectedly.  In general, if you’re walking outside, stay alert and make plenty of noise.  These bears are not large ones, and look like big hairy dogs from a distance, but should be left well alone.  They can run 30-40mph for short distances, and climb trees quicker than you.  You don’t want them paying attention to you.

"What to do if you come across a bear:

• If you see it and it is unaware of you, stay quiet and move away in the opposite direction.
• If it is already aware of you, speak calmly and move your arms (this helps them identify you as a human, because they have poor eyesight).  The bear will most likely move away from you.
• If not, walk away from it, keep on talking calmly.
• If the bear charges, it is usually a bluff charge first, just to see if you’ll back off.  Back off in a deliberate fashion.  Don’t run.  Avoid direct eye contact.  Pick up a stick.
• If it actually attacks you, fight ferociously. If you’re losing, curl up on the ground in fetal position, with hands covering the back of your neck, a vulnerable area. And, as the Americans say, enjoy!"