Must Liquidate
Hell of a week, starting when someone just out of oral surgery reached into his mouth and handed me a virtual blood sponge of bright-red gauze and ending when my poor cat Abe’s tidy bottom, so nicely sealed under ordinary circumstances, experienced a horrible change such that every room in my house was graced with small ‘deposits.’ Every room, plus an upholstered wing chair, a damask settee and the comforter in my very bedroom. IN MY BEDROOM WHERE MY WIFE SLEEPS! WHERE MY CHILDREN COME AND PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS! (ha ha, no that’s Al Pacino in Godfather II.)In a word Abe had ‘anal leakage,’ a phrase that makes me smile in spite of all the scrubbing I’ve done because it reminds me of Lay’s 1998 launch of the ill-fated Wow! Potato Chips. “Now! Made with Olestra!” the large writing on the front of the bag said, Olestra being a magic substance that does sort of taste like the yummy animal fat we’re hard-wired to love but does not actually stay in the body if you get my drift. The part I loved best about Wow! was the frank label on the side that said “Can Cause Anal Leakage" - which is just what it did and all those ravenous Americans who could never in a million years eat just one serving of anything were suddenly ‘caught short,’ as they used to say, keeping more than the customary 18-inches of space around themselves and declining all invitations to undress in front of an audience.Poor Abe,it seems is prone to constipation. Out of the blue there was this wild but unproductive straining, then a nasty loss-of-appetite-plus-throwing up combo, then the sudden trip to the vet's for not one but two enemas followed by a scene very much like the one where Billy Crystal delivers the baby horse in City Slickers. When they were done with all these ministrations those good souls gave him a bath (don’t ask) and offered to keep him for several hours more in case there was additional ‘drainage’ - and as I have said there was drainage all right; hence my new role as royal mopper-upper.But enough on this queasy topic! Parting advice: get plenty of roughage. Parting ad: Two Fine Pieces of Upholstered Furniture for Sale - Best Offer - Must Liquidate.
