Leakage

We have leakage here tonight – a so-called catastrophic water main break is dumping eight million gallons of water per hour into the Charles River and the cops are going up and down the streets with bullhorns telling people 'Don’t drink! Do NOT drink the water!And speaking of leakage, I was at my local supermarket an hour ago taking  pictures of the Lays Potato Chips that boast half the calories on account of the secret ingredient Olestra, trade name Olean. I couldn’t believe they were back on the market when I first saw them on the shelves last week.  Ten, maybe twelve years ago my then-8^th grader talked me into buying them on sort of a dare. They were called Wow! chips and as the label said had this magical artificial fat Olestra. The only problem: it also  said right on the package, “May Cause Anal Leakage.”Now kids twelve think everything is funny and mothers of kids twelve sometimes think so too if they don’t get out enough. Suffice it say we bought the darn things - and spent a whole weekend tearing upstairs to the bathroom.Our friend the Internet tells me they were taken off the market years ago but if that’s so then what’s the deal with this new product?  When I saw these chips for the first time last week I grabbed a package and sent it right off to my former twelve-year-old as a birthday present. “For the good times,” my card read, but now I’m actually wondering : If we can’t drink the water AND we can’t eat the chips what are we going to do for fun tonight?(How do they do it? the package asks. Nothin' to it really.All it takes is a credulous public and a hell of a lot of nerve.

Must Liquidate

Hell of a week, starting when someone just out of oral surgery reached into his mouth and handed me a virtual blood sponge of bright-red gauze and ending when my poor cat Abe’s tidy bottom, so nicely sealed under ordinary circumstances, experienced a horrible change such that every room in my house was graced with small ‘deposits.’ Every room, plus an upholstered wing chair, a damask settee and the comforter in my very bedroom. IN MY BEDROOM WHERE MY WIFE SLEEPS!  WHERE MY CHILDREN COME AND PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS! (ha ha, no that’s Al Pacino in Godfather II.)In a word Abe had ‘anal leakage,’ a phrase that makes me smile in spite of all the scrubbing I’ve done because it reminds me of Lay’s 1998 launch of the ill-fated Wow! Potato Chips.  “Now! Made with Olestra!” the large writing on the front of the bag said, Olestra being a magic substance that does sort of taste like the yummy animal fat we’re hard-wired to love but does not actually stay in the body if you get my drift. The part I loved best about Wow! was the frank label on the side that said “Can Cause Anal Leakage" - which is just what it did and all those ravenous Americans who could never in a million years eat just one serving of anything were suddenly ‘caught short,’ as they used to say, keeping more than the customary 18-inches of space around themselves and declining all invitations to undress in front of an audience.Poor Abe,it seems is prone to constipation. Out of the blue there was this wild but unproductive straining, then a nasty loss-of-appetite-plus-throwing up combo, then the sudden trip to the vet's for not one but two enemas followed by a scene very much like the one where Billy Crystal delivers the baby horse in City Slickers. When they were done with all these ministrations those good souls gave him a bath (don’t ask) and offered to keep him for several hours more in case there was additional ‘drainage’ - and as I have said  there was drainage all right; hence my new role as royal mopper-upper.But enough on this queasy topic! Parting advice: get plenty of roughage. Parting ad: Two Fine Pieces of Upholstered Furniture for Sale - Best Offer - Must Liquidate.