From Off Your Mother's Body

four breasted woman

We have a brief Socratic interlude at my church called ‘Time for the Young’ during which the small children come forward and sit on the steps where a member of the ministerial team, also seated, offers a little Q & A. Only sometimes things don’t go in the direction that that person might have hoped.“Let’s all thank God today for the gift of hearing!” said this minister on a recent Sunday morningThe tykes just looked at her blankly.“Because we all just heard you playing so nicely on your drums and maracas!” she said as one tyke sent a small finger up inside his nose.“Some would say that your hearing is a gift. Now where do you  get this gift do you think?”“From off of your mother’s body!” cried one child in a clear loud voice.“From your mother’s body, OK. But where else does this gift of hearing come from?”But the under-six set had caught fire.“Also your foots come from off your mother’s body!’ cheered a second boy.“Mmmmm. OK your feet… ““And your eyeballs!” cried a third little boy."And-"  began a fourth but “O- KAY! that's enough of that line of inquiry!” the minister interrupted as the congregation chuckled. Because really as everyone knows the right answer to 99 % of these questions is never about human sexuality; the answer is always just ‘Jesus.’The day I first brought my three-year-old to pre-school I was invited to sit down for a few minutes while my child zeroed in on some paper & pencils and began making a giant-headed creature with five large torpedoes protruding from its body.“What a nice picture!” cooed the elegant boss lady.“Uh huh,” said my boy, not looking up until he had finished the last little stroke.“And what is it a picture OF I wonder?”He fixed her with a somber look. “It’s my muzzer,” he said.“Ah your mother! And what are these?”  she said, pointing to the five warheads.Poker faced, he looked down at his picture and back up at her.“Dose are her bweasts,” he said and there is the bald truth about little kids: what they say is just always a whole lot more ‘vivid’ than anything you might have imagined. (And just so you know when it you’re looking at the timeless Where Babies Come From topic; These days nobody ever, ever mentions a stork.