Speedos!

And a Voice emerged from the crowd saying to the Prophet, “Speak to us of Speedos, Master!” And the Prophet answered saying,

“The person brought for the first time into the presence of the Speedo  at first startleth and turneth away, surprised at what a complicated structure hath been devised, not by the folks at Thpeedo, but by Nature herthelf. (Ack! Cough! There. That's better.)

“Nature, Who causeth the mountains to shout to another over the plain and sometimes even throw rocks.

"Nature, Who maketh the trees to toss their long branches like unto crazed young girls at rock concerts, thus frightening the birds for hectares in all directions.

"Lo, even Nature,  Who hath devised the means for  the fat little birds to cling to their tree  branches, even while sleeping; which hath devised the means for The Great Large Birds With Funny Eyes to snatch The Rabbit from her clover dinner quicker than thou canst say ‘Holy Crap what was that?’

"On the body of Woman, the organs of increase are largely out of sight and yes, thanks very much the Prophet knoweth very well that he borroweth from Shakespeare when he uses that phrase. He also enjoys referring to himself in the third person and tough luck if thou dost not approve. (How many books hast thou sold? Serf?!)

"I tell you, Nature hath hidden The Woman’s complicated workings behind a magic curtain such as can be seen in the puppet shows on old Mister Rogers Neighborhood episodes. “But on THE MAN'S body it is a whole other thing:

On the body of MAN, it is All Right Out There In The Shop Window so to speak, and that being the case, this piece of men’s gear is just TRUTH IN ADVERTISING.

All these things have I said to you this day. Now please someone fetch me a beach towel. I believe I’ll Speedo up too and strut along the strand a bit myself.

Lemmings, & Ban-Tights-as-Pants?

Somebody commented yesterday on the post I did about how people do love to express themselves in their dress.  “Judging by what I see in public, teenagers dress to say, ‘Here’s who they are – and I’m like them!’”

It's true. Go to the mall and there they are that certain segment of teen girls, middle schoolers especially, dressed alike down to the least particular. In winter it’s all Uggs all the time, and those pajama-bottom-looking sweatpants with writing on the fanny.

Or else it’s Uggs with tights, which is a great mistake.

In fact there’s a whole website devoted to what a mistake it is to wear tights as if they were pants.  Here is it’s manifesto:

Let’s be clear: The wearing of tights as pants is an abomination.

TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS.

Sure, in the context of sports, ballet, hair metal and Renaissance fairs, tights function as suitable leg coverings but still:

TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS

No, these are not activities that transform tights into pants; these are historically acceptable acts of pantlessness.

Tights as pants leave nothing to the imagination.

Tights as pants are an affront to those of us who prefer not to know the most intimate details of our neighbors’ bodies.

Tights as pants are the fashion equivalent of

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

This gratuitous divulgence of assets repels where the tights-as-pants wearer presumably hopes to entice.

We have tired of attempts to force tights into general use as outerwear it concludes and have decided to do something about it.

I didn’t click on the link to SEE what they are doing about. You can do that if you like.

I’ll settle for closing with this harvested-from-Google-Images picture, worth a thousand words as the fella said. (Poor girl! You just never know who’s going to point a camera at you next. I hope she doesn’t recognize herself.)