Color My World

A white lampshade is all well and good but if it proves to be TOO blindingly white then what do you?  Bad enough they’re coming after all our nice incandescent bulbs. Bad enough they’re all but forcing us to use that ugly new kind that’s shaped an alien’s antennae. Add to that a lampshade whiter than like the inside of your grocer’s dairy case and where are you? Where do you go then to get the mellow feeling you want in the sanctuary of your home?

Here’s what I do when I find myself with lighting that has me reaching for my sunglasses. I take that lampshade and I dye it, a nice shade of Dusty Rose generally. It’s a tricky thing to do, sure it is. If you submerge it for too long in your near-boiling bath of dye, the glue will loosen and the whole silky thing will start delicately dropping to the floor quicker than the gossamer raiment of a romance novel’s heroine.

You’ve got to just dip it in quick and pull it right out again and … But wait. Remember that old saying “I give you a fish and you’ll eat for a day. I teach you to fish and you’ll eat forever?” Let’s fix our sights on forever. Here’s a step-by-step tutorial so that you too can feel as empowered as that newly minted fisherman. Ready?

• OK, Step One: Have a bunch of newspapers spread out on the floor with a flattened trash bag underneath it to receive the lampshade after you’ve dipped it.
• Step Two: Pull on a pair of plastic gloves.
• Steps Three: Fill your bathtub with about a foot-and-a-half scalding water.
• Step Four:  Pour in your dye and stir the whole witch’s cauldron with a broomstick.  
• Step Five: Take off your clothes (yep) do a deep-knee bend holding the shade sideways and quick reach down into the water, steadily spinning it to achieve an evenness of hue. Remember! Keep it in the water for no more than 30 seconds!
• Step Six: Then, with one motion, hoist it out and onto your newspapers where it will dry in no time at all.
• Step Seven: Contemplating that colorful rectangle of water, now ask yourself if you wouldn’t also like some underpants in this nice soft shade like the blush on a dogwood’s petals. Of course you would!
• Step Eight: Go get a few pair and throw them in too.
• Step Nine: Also a few pairs of your spouse’s if you have a spouse, to keep fun in the marriage.
• Step Ten: Also any nighties of an uninspiring hue or and any white towels that have gone grey with time.

By the time I’m done with this process, those lampshades are just plain gorgeous. They look like they came straight out of a funeral-parlor-decorating catalog.

In fact everything around here has this lovely soft glow to it now, since I’ve pretty much dyed every lampshade in the place. If you walk by my house you’ll notice right away. If you come in you’ll see at once how flatteringly the light plays on your face. Instant makeover! Here look at this picture of the lamp in our bedroom, that'll give you the idea. (Ignore the naked lady propped up in front of the TV; that's something I set up to get a laugh our of David.)

Of course, the place looks cool not JUST on account of the dye-job lamp shades.  If they run low on pink light bulbs at my favorite hardware store I do another thing. I paint all my 100-watters pink.

But that’s a how-to story for another day....