Tips for the Public Toilet

A few tips for using the public bathroom:

• One, head right for the first cubicle you come to. In their natural animal desire for privacy most people bypass cubicle Number One. Hence, it's apt to be cleaner. 
• Two, DON'T be afraid to use the cubicle with the baby changer in it. This dandy drop-down shelf makes an excellent shelf for whatever you might be carrying. 
• Three, don't make a giant mess by spreading toilet paper all around on the seat for heaven's sake. Women used to be told they could get a particular kind of lice from the undraped toilet seat. Consider that is was usually men telling women that for motives one can only guess at. 
• Four, if you are a women do not try attempt to relieve yourself while crouched ten inches above the seat. Unequipped with a proper nozzle, a woman can't hope to get the 'aim' thing down and no one who follows you wants to find a seat covered with spray. Yuck. 
• Five, follow the posted suggestions and refrain from throwing in the toilet anything they tell you not to throw in there. I know the signs rattle us: one day, while using the rest room at her place of business, my sister got so addled by such a sign that she tucked her ten squares of toilet paper into her wallet and blew her nose on her paycheck. 
• Six, never flush your paycheck, as she then did. Under these circumstances it's hell to get a new one issued to you. 
• Seven, when it comes to sink-time, do wash with as much soap and hot water as you can for at least as long as it takes to sing the Happy Birthday song. 
• Eight, no need to sing that song out loud however. 
• Nine, check your heels to be sure you're not carrying a 'paper trail' out into the world. The only thing worse than that is walking out of the Ladies Room with the back of your skirt tucked into your underpants. And finally... 
• Ten, enjoy the hand driers.They're more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

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