Smarter Together

Sure, by yourself you can have a good idea, maybe even a great one. But if more people can work on your idea and add their thoughts to yours then you are really on your way.Example: I wrote a couple of weeks ago on the subject of personal boundaries and received many letters in response.In fewer than 50 words a man I'll call Tom wrote me something that crystallized what I had tried for a solid week to get down. He said he had used the Twelve Steps to help him develop healthy boundaries.  “I was an emotional 15-year-old at the age of 36, which is when I found mental, physical and spiritual recovery. The wreckage of the past simply needs to be put into perspective.”A woman I’ll call Jill also wrote me and I wrote right back to ask a question. The she wrote again so I asked another question. She wrote a third time, explaining and explaining.In her first email, she agreed that “it sure is hard to set boundaries when you want to be a nice person.”  “But,” she added, “I remind myself that I don’t have to be nice, just be honest” because, as she put it, “honesty is more ‘respectful’ than niceness.” Then she linked the failure to set good boundaries to her outbursts of anger.This really rang a bell for me because I start OUT so nice with people I’m the nicest person in the room practically. “You want to borrow this book? Take it! Take this one, too, by the same author!” “You’d like to borrow my car with its nice roomy interior? Keep it for the day!” Then one day I’m wondering where on Earth did I PUT those two great books? And when did the hubcap get knocked off my right front tire? And by the way, why is my neck hurting so much all of a sudden?“Many times I have had to get to a point of anger to be able to set a firm boundary,” she went on. “It took a mental health crisis to finally learn to set boundaries without getting mad first. Also, when I start to feel a twinge of annoyance or muscle pain, I know that’s a sign for me to set a boundary before I become angry and feel resentful. I even had to change my cell phone number a couple of times before I finally learned it was OK to keep some people at a distance.”The good news is, learning to set boundaries has erased these physical symptoms  almost entirely. As she put it  “A counselor once told me my pain was the voice of my inner self that I ignore, that just wants to be heard and cared for. So love and care for yourself first, Terry. It’s not selfish at all.“Notice when you have pain and when it bothers you. Keep a record of it daily, moment by moment and check in with what you’re feeling. Our bodies speak to us when we ignore our needs. It’s a survival mechanism, and it is wonderful because our bodies always strive toward healing and health.”I don’t know where in this big country Jill lives, or Tom either, nor do I know what either of them does for work. I only know how lucky I feel that thanks to their generous spirits we made a little classroom where I could learn with them a while.