Seein' the Light

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last 24 hours:(a) that you change the bulb for a streetlight just the way you change the bulb in your bathroom. One of my bathroom bulbs popped yesterday so I walked to the hardware store to get a replacement and on the way saw this guy ascending into the trees to do the same thing with one of the streetlights.(b) that you can’t be sure a candle isn’t burning unless the room is really dark. I left one burning all last and didn't know it till I rose today at 5 and saw it glowing. (Oops! Not quite as dumb as leaving one of the stove burners flaming away while you're off on errands but dumb enough!) And(c) That you can GO to Weight Watcher for a full year-and-a-half and not lose a single pound.I know because I have done this. I brought my friend Mary who promptly lost 40 pounds, ascended into maintenance heaven and was never seen again, while I'm still there in my little beige chair, smokin' and jokin' as we used to say, losing and gaining the same 2 pounds over and over again.In the short period I tried therapy I remember a phrase the shrink used on me once. Actually she used it on David who she tried to rope in too the way they do when you're part of a couple. Now you could say that Old Dave isn't exactly the therapy type -  he's just not that wild about long Kleenexy talks - and one day after the last of our three joint sessions she told me straight out: "I think it's safe to say that a phrase we sometimes use applies here: your husband has not entered into therapy" - which meant “gives not the least indication that he's going to really try it.”Well imagine my surprise to realize that all this time I've been dragging myself to Weight Watcher meetings I never entered into therapy either!  Meaning  I never wrote down what I ate. “You bite it you write it,” they all tell each other every week while for a full 18 months I seemed to believe I was above all that but LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I began at last!  I went to the site and signed up for "etools" and now I will write it all. I just finally saw the light I guess.Because I want to go to Heaven too, shed my own shell of subjective self-absorption and sail on silver girl like it says in S & G's “Bridge over Troubled Waters,” here performed by the great old King of Rock and Roll himself.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTa7fBskDD4&feature=related

Some Cialis Please - Supersized for the Fat Girl

You know you got fat when your rings, your bikini undies AND ALL YOUR BRAS are suddenly too tight. You know it when you look at yourself in the mirror from the back and think “Michelin Man.”My question is What happened to that SYLPH from five years ago? Plus, where’s my black hair? What’s with this dry-mop the color of battery acid? and what’s with the mustache action all a sudden?If I’m gonna like TURN INTO A MAN all I can say is, I want some Cialis. Now! And oh yeah, a wife to wash my giant clothes and do all my bending over.Failing that, I'm off to Weight Watcher to liberate this poor girl (She's under here somewhere!)