Exit Only
“Because once you depart from this one-way road of life, there is just no getting back on.”
"Lust" I Lisped
That Dick and Jane series I referenced yesterday wasn't the reading book I had as a tyke. I had the John, Jean and Judy series made expressly for Catholic school kids and chock full of what the publisher called “religious elements”. I had so many religious elements in my life as it was it’s no wonder I thought I was having religious visions when I fainted in church. Even in our house we had holy water fonts, statues of Jesus, outfits for the statues of Jesus and on and on, all sold to us by those excellent businesswomen the nuns.Then every night for homework and every fear-filled day at school we had.... The Baltimore Catechism.Catholic school kids learned to memorize, I’ll say that. We could recite both the answers AND the questions from that little blue book, waking or sleeping, forward or back, ornate language and all. Even today I can give it to you: “Question: What are the sins against hope?” “Answer: The sins against hope are presumption and despair.”I was in Second Grade when I learned that one. and didn’t my mother wince when in front of a roomful of company I dished up the Seven Deadly Sins: “ Pride, Covetousness, Anger, Gluttony, Envy, and Sloth" I whispered sweetly. "And ... and what is that other one Nan?""Lust" said my big sister, who was all of nine.“Lust” I lisped with my toothless little-kid smile.Turns out this sin-drenched curriculum didn't just belong to the Catholics. The New England Primer was a textbook used by students in English settlements in North America from the time of its publication is 1690 until at least halfway through the 19th century. Over five million copies were sold. As the source I just read says it combined the traditional alphabet study with Biblical precepts. “Emphasis was placed on fear of sin, God's punishment and the fact that all people would have to face death." Cheerful!Take these few examples from early in the alphabet: For the letter A, “In Adam's Fall We sinned all”, for B, “Thy Life to Mend This Book Attend, for I “The Idle Fool Is Whipt at School.”Shake my head as they say. Just kinda makes ya wonder what we’ll be teaching the poor kids next.
Vesuvius
Remember the old 1890s Baltimore Catechism that some of us could once recite quicker than our multiplication table? It went like this:
Q. Who created Heaven and earth and all things?
A. God created Heaven and earth and all things.
Q. Which are the chief creatures of God?
A. The chief creatures of God are angels and men.
Remember? Well, I came upon a different sort of catechism while hanging around Mass. General Hospital this past week where my doctors performed their usual funny parlor tricks, resting their tummies on my lap to peer into my nose and eyes and so on. There in the lobby they had a special booth on aneurysms with pamphlets on Defusing the Time Bomb In The Brain, a video running on a small TV and, behind the tables, a team of kindly people to help you once you have scared the living bejesus out of yourself by stopping to read them. See if you don’t think THIS little rundown has the same matter-of-fact feeling as that primer, that Catechism of Christian Doctrine, Prepared and Enjoined by Order of the Third Council of Baltimore:
Q. What Is A Brain Aneurysm?
A. An brain aneurysm is a bubble that forms on the side of the brain artery, very much like a balloon. There are two types of aneurysms, ruptured and unruptured.
Q. Are There Any Warning Signs?
A. The classic symptom of ruptured aneurysms is the worst headache of your life.
Q. Can Aneurysms Be Prevented?
A. Unfortunately, no! (exclamation point theirs, believe it or not.)
Q. What Are the Odds of Surviving a Rupture?
A. 50% die outright. Of those who survive, one-third recover with some deficit, one-third with substantial deficit, and the final third may require institutionalization.
So there you have it, kids, if you had any doubt at all: We sure DO we live on the slopes of Vesuvius and either sooner or later that nice old God of Baltimore and Surrounding Towns has fixed it so that every last one of us from the littlest sweetie-pies to the biggest bigshots, will, like it or not, ALL be together in Heaven - and there's a topic worth peering into for sure!
Remember the old 1890s Baltimore Catechism that some of us could once recite quicker than our multiplication table? It went like this:
Q. Who created Heaven and earth and all things?
A. God created Heaven and earth and all things.
Q. Which are the chief creatures of God?
A. The chief creatures of God are angels and men.
Remember? Well, I came upon a different sort of catechism while hanging around Mass. General Hospital this past week where my doctors performed their usual funny parlor tricks, resting their tummies on my lap to peer into my nose and eyes and so on. There in the lobby they had a special booth on aneurysms with pamphlets on Defusing the Time Bomb In The Brain, a video running on a small TV and, behind the tables, a team of kindly people to help you once you have scared the living bejesus out of yourself by stopping to read them. See if you don’t think THIS little rundown has the same matter-of-fact feeling as that primer, that Catechism of Christian Doctrine, Prepared and Enjoined by Order of the Third Council of Baltimore:
Q. What Is A Brain Aneurysm?
A. An brain aneurysm is a bubble that forms on the side of the brain artery, very much like a balloon. There are two types of aneurysms, ruptured and unruptured.
Q. Are There Any Warning Signs?
A. The classic symptom of ruptured aneurysms is the worst headache of your life.
Q. Can Aneurysms Be Prevented?
A. Unfortunately, no! (exclamation point theirs, believe it or not.)
Q. What Are the Odds of Surviving a Rupture?
A. 50% die outright. Of those who survive, one-third recover with some deficit, one-third with substantial deficit, and the final third may require institutionalization.
So there you have it, kids, if you had any doubt at all: We sure DO we live on the slopes of Vesuvius and either sooner or later that nice old God of Baltimore and Surrounding Towns has fixed it so that every last one of us from the littlest sweetie-pies to the biggest bigshots, will, like it or not, ALL be together in Heaven - and there's a topic worth peering into for sure!