Sleeping Outside

When my big sister Nan and I were simple kids living in a house thick with ancient relatives, we yearned for that rare occasion when we got to sleep outside.We never did that in our own yard, so small it could hardly fit its in-ground garbage can and its creaky old clothesline. But oh when we went to visit our cousins in West Roxbury!There were no trolley cars screeching past the end of their street. There were no alleys between brick buildings like the one we had with its revolving store of interesting things, bits of brightly colored glass, a discarded lady’s scarf, and once, for a thrilling six-week period, the remains of a small dead animal, flat as an envelope.Their neighborhood felt like the neighborhood we saw on Leave it to Beaver. Their mom wore an actual apron. They had a real screened-in porch, and we could roller skate as much as we liked along smooth sidewalks.And best of all I would get to “camp out.” Nan would do other, older things with the other, older cousins but I was always matched with cousin Mary Lou, who was closest to me in age, and boy did Mary Lou know how to have fun. For our big campouts she would fashion a little tent for us, expertly pounding its pegs into the grass. She would produce real sleeping bags, the old-fashioned kind, made of cotton and lined with plaid flannel.There, as evening gathered in, we would feast gloriously on Franco American spaghetti heated up over small cans of Sterno and lie back in that soft grass, telling ghost stories and waiting for the starsIt was heaven. And I believe I remember it today because last week I came upon a passage I had copied out just 20 years ago from T.H. White's wonderful bThe Once and Future King. The passage goes like this:

The boy slept well in a woodland nest when he laid himself down, in that kind of thin but refreshing sleep, which people have when they begin to lie out-of-doors.At first he only dipped below the surface of sleep and skimmed along like a salmon in shallow water so close to the surface that he fancied himself in air. He saw himself awake when he was already asleep.He saw the stars above his face, whirling on their silent and sleepless axis and the leaves of the trees rustling against them, and he heard small changes in the grass. These little noises the footsteps and soft-fringed wing beats and stealthy bellies drawn over the grass blades or rattling against the bracken at first frightened but interested him so that he no longer cared to see what they were but trusted them to be themselves, and finally left them all together as he swam down deeper and deeper, nuzzling into the scented turf, into the unending waters under the earth.

Perhaps it was the part about trust that moved me to copy this out in the summer of '96. Anyway, it's the part that moves me now. And tonight when the darkness gathers, I want to look up at the still-swollen moon and those steady stars and remember to trust more; to trust, as Lincoln said in his farewell to the people in Springfield, that all may yet be well.     

Crap Day: I'm a Clown AND a Narcolept

What a crap day it's been weather-wise. I have to admit it's gotten to me; it's had the effect of scrapping all my plans.Here I was all set to go to Yoga for starters. I was up and dressed before 7:00 even.Well, not fully dressed. I had on my clown-pant pajama bottoms and my favorite too-big tee. On a day with many tasks ahead,  I like to first fire up the old neurons by hitting the treadmill upstairs, and I'm totally fine with pulling on socks and sneakers even while still IN the clown pants because who knows what I'll end up REALLY wearing for the day? Plus, you know, who's going to see me? Thirty minutes and done, I thought.But first, I reasoned, I'd better eat a bite, and it was while my egg was boiling that I looked out the kitchen window at this cold grey rain. It was also then that I saw our magnolia with its buds littering the ground, murdered in their little bed back a few weeks ago when we had that freeze. In this time of vernal yearning, the tree is as bald as Walter White's head.And somehow that fact alone brought me down enough that I never did climb the stairs to do those miles.To say nothing of going to yoga. Or doing my real work. Or filing away those old photos I dug out last week. I was going to foodshop, and hit the cleaners. I was going to get stamps as well, and swing by the Apple store for yet another one of their quickly fraying chargers.But exactly none of that happened. David is away tonight so I was also going to call a pal and catch a movie but that's not going to happen either. I feel like all I really did today was fall asleep repeatedly and noodle around on Facebook looking for people who wronged me 30 years ago. And now here it is after 5, and me still in my clown suit. How I’ll spend my remaining six hours of consciousness I have no idea.Maybe the thing to do is pull on those sneaks and see if can find my way to that treadmill. Yeah, I'll try that. And maybe also send up a prayer that this rainy cold 'down' day gets followed tomorrow by a sunny ,warm 'up' one.