Sugar-Free WHAT?
Let’s return to the ridiculous after yesterday’s little detour into the sublime. Today I’m still thinking about printed goof-ups, for indeed they are everywhere. Take the ad in the paper offering for sale “a 2000 pound wench.” (It’s just that she eats so much!) Or take this sober note in a church bulletin saying “This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” (Good old Brownie! She’s a sport all right!)For some reason church bulletins are rife with these ambiguous phrasings. Like the one announcing an event to be held in both the south and north corners of the church simultaneously where children will “be baptized at both ends." (With diaper cream at one of those ends presumably.)Then there are the recipes shared in the paper like the one that says to “cut up chicken and place it in a deep bowl, mash in a mortar the garlic, oregano, salt and peppercorns, add to rum, mixed with soy sauce and pour over children.” (And if they run, chase them.) Or this one for corn that says “Wrap each ear with bacon slice, fasten with toothpick and place on grill, turning until done - about 10 minutes. Or, let everyone grill his own ears, using long skewers to do so.” (OK Maybe this is just funny to 11-year-olds who really picture people cutting off their ears to throw them on the barbecue but who isn’t 11 deep down inside?)And as long as we’re getting grisly how’s this one from a paper in New Jersey?"Mike McGrew, deputy U.S. marshal in Oklahoma City has carried his son's first baby as a good luck charm for thirteen years. He has had it hanging on the rear-view mirror of four automobiles and, during the war, kept it in the socks of his Army uniform. (Ah, the joys of being a grandpa!)Also, who doesn’t like “Enraged cow injures farmer with ax”? (That whole milking thing finally got on her very last nerve.)The headline “Prostitutes appeal to Pope” seems a mite racy yes but it shows in four short words the root of all humor, which almost always lies in thwarting expectations.You do have to wonder what someone was thinking when he wrote “Jello-brand toilet tissue, regular, sugar free, fat free” (Here I am speechless.)But I have to say my favorite is this last: “Free: farm kittens, ready to eat."It just makes a kitty want to go all Witness Protection eh?
