Where Have All the Presents Gone?

Countdown to Christmas, now what did I do with those gift cards? They’re small so they slip under things, they could be anywhere... OK not in my purse, not in my pockets, not in my bra. (I keep my headset inside my bra; what do I care if I look like my old piano teacher Mrs. Toye who would reach a hankie out from the deep cover of her gigantic bosom to wipe the stalactite perpetually forming on the tip of her nose.)Hmmm uh oh not in any one of those places and not inside the Marshall’s bag either.. Wait, what if I didn’t get them at Marshall’s at all but at the grocery store instead? I did! I OH GOD I DID GET THEM AT THE GROCERY STORE AND MUST HAVE THROWN THEM AWAY WITH THOSE DOZEN PLASTIC BAGS LAST NIGHT! - which means they’re under this morning’s coffee grounds and egg shells and the kidney beans that sat in their Tupperware 4 days too long and are now imparting that certain rotten-egg-and-swamp-gas smell to the whole Tall Kitchen Trash Bag.This could get even uglier: there are shrimp tails in there too.And now Christmas is just two days away and Friday's the federal holiday so I just better find them and wrap them and mail them tomorrow and by the way where on EARTH are all those really awesome presents I so craftily bought back in October?It’s all so horrifying. The only thing that comforts me is that it happens every blankety-blank year.