Hang 'em High

Here's one way to get a tree to behave: PAINT it onto the wall. What we do we hang our tree, sort of like the nurseries are starting to do but with one difference: they tie a rope to the top of their heads and make them sort of dangle, standing on tippy-toes to keep their scalps from tearing off. We're at least a little kinder: we tie the rope around the tree’s tummy, then lash it to the locks of the indows it stands between.It takes the suspense out of walking into the living room mornings, which everyone appreciates; we have enough ghosts around here as it is. At least once a week the ironing board busts out of its closet at midnight to land wham! on the floor. And then there's that old Navy footlocker once belonging to the first airman lost over the Bermuda Triangle. His parents moved into this house after his death and when the house was sold to us 30 years later it was sold footlocker and all. The wooden trunk sits behind a tiny  Alice-in-Wonderland-style door in an attic bedroom and tell ya what that little door yawns open all the time. Just yawns right open. It scares some overnight guests near to death.It never scared us. What scared us , until we got the rope idea, was hearing that soft whoosh when the tree fell over yet again because we knew what we'd see: every last ornament knocked silly, the tinsel hanging sideways, the treetop angel on the floor some 12 to 15 feet away....When she fell out of last year’s tree I drew a tear in one eye, dropped a little red ink around her mouth and put her in a tiny hospital bed, just for fun. It’s all you can do at this season: keep ahead of Crazy one laugh at a time.