Pantsed!
OK let me get this straight: Here's how the tree in my front yard looked three days ago. It’s true that its leaves are gone NOW but can anyone tell me why, on the fifth day of November, Santa Claus was already suited up and scratching his nose at the mall?
Here he is as I caught him on my cell phone. I could have gotten a better picture if I'd crept closer and taken more time to take his picture but I was pretty sure if I did, the pointy-eared elves controlling the old Change Purse would have wrestled me to the ground and pulled 50 bucks out of my jeans, just for the privilege of capturing his image even without a baby in his arms. It's like with God back in the time of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob - clear down to Moses: you couldn’t take His picture either or wear shoes around him or say his name out loud even. ("Hey SANTA!!" I could have yelled defying that rule too but I was afraid he might see me.Her saw me anyway and raised his hand in a wan wave.I waved wanly back and there we were, two weary grownups, just doin’ the Nine-to-Five just trying to get through the day.So if Santa’s a victim too then who’s responsible for the near-violent way the holidays get shoved under our noses so early? I thought about this as I wandered into one of the department stores where a cosmetics person hawking perfume tried spraying me, all sneakily skunk-like. A hundred yards in I came upon a Sales Associate pantsing a mannequin behind a carousel of Activewear.I really tried to get that picture but she caught me watching. It was some sight is all I can say. And here’s me thinking all these years that nothing's harder than working tights on to the fat flailing limbs of a squirming toddler. Trust me as one who watched unnoticed for a good 30 seconds: pulling skin-tight leggings on a giant vinyl doll is a whole lot harder.And come to think of it the doll was being dressed by the sales associate and so technically wasn't getting pantsed at all. I guess the pantsing is reserved for the rest of us suckers - and the reaching in our pockets too.
