"Ma'am? Ma'am?”
Here's what I’d like to do just once: go to the mall and NOT have to duck those young solicitors. I go to there now and have to climb right to the mezzanine to miss them. You know what they look like: young and bright-eyed and striding toward you, "Ma’am hiiii, would you like to try some special Whale Placenta Lotion for your dry skin?" You try to be nice, make a joke, say “Ha ha no! Sometimes if my skin gets TOO dry I just work a little shoe polish into it," but "I’m good!” you say, “Really!” you say and you try to keep on walking. You can’t even slow down on the first level because they just just keep coming at you with all these products.And you can’t be mean to them; it just makes them more chirpy. "Talk to the hand!” you might even say and still they won't take offense. "You have a nice day now!" they sing.It's easier to just avoid them. Only it’s sad because you know you’re missing some cool stuff down on that first level, like the hungry hordes milling about in front of the Cheesecake Factory, and the 14-year-old girls in their underpants and raccoon mascara all still wearing their Uggs even though it’s 90 degrees out - and sometimes even the 14-year-old boys too. Plus really all you get up on the mezzanine is the weird stores, for ecology-minded pregnant women, and,.... people allergic to air.... and,..... that those weird little hobby shops with clerks who look like Wallace Shawn in “The Princes Bride.”Not that I don't look like Wallace Shawn in "The Princess Bride" myself but I'm fine with that. HEY I'M JUST HERE LOOKING TO SCORE SOME TERIYAKI CHICKEN, I’M NOT INTERESTED IN FLAMELESS CIGARETTES ! Now if they had real cigarettes for sale those might come in handy; one of those you could brandish like a sword and when the chirpers came at you you could plant the hot-coal tip SSSSSTTT! right on the smooth young palms of their outstretched hands.You have a nice day now, hear?
