Hello. Can I Bite Your Head?

Back on the diet. All it took was going up four pants sizes in 18 months. Oh and having a doctor say my stomach would never again be flat (you childbearing sow you) unless I had a hair-raising procedure whose recuperation involves not just the wearing of a corset with the squeeze-powers of a boa constrictor but also actual drains dangling down like a lady’s garters in the Naughty But Nice catalogs. S-o-o-o-o-o back on the diet.Now I’ve been going to Weight Watchers off and on for centuries but never did write down what I ate. Big mistake, as it seems the only way to lose the weight it is to make a full confession every day of every single thing that has passed your lips.Last Wednesday was my first day and I did great. Ate an almond; recorded it. Ate 4 tablespoons of powdered milk; recorded it. Drank the juice squeezed out of this morning’s half grapefruit: recorded that. I‘ve eaten 10,000 green beans in six days’ time because Glory Hallelujah green beans have no points at all.I was doing great for a while there. Then I went to the celebration of our grandbaby’s birthday party for which his cheery Aunt Annie made a cake shaped like a monkey’s head with jug ears and a big smiley mouth and Junior Mints for eyes. She said she was going to serve it on a platter like the head of John the Baptist and sure enough: she did.“What kind of cake IS this Annie?” I moaned, tasting a tiny morsel and drooling down my chin. “Banana, get it?" she said. "With my special chocolate frosting of course.”When she graduated from Boston’s best culinary school a few years after college she won the Julia Child Award which she claims is like being named Miss Congeniality but come on: Julia Child is Julia Child. Suffice to say I had three giant pieces and had to use the next FIVE DAYS in the Weight Watcher food diary to list all my points.But I’m hungry again now and frankly I’m turning a little mean. The diary has a place where you’re supposed to record Other Victories This Week I wrote “I didn’t kill anyone - yet” but tell ya what I make no promises.